{"id":1233,"date":"2022-08-17T17:54:02","date_gmt":"2022-08-17T17:54:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/?page_id=1233"},"modified":"2022-09-04T18:23:58","modified_gmt":"2022-09-04T18:23:58","slug":"volume-one-chapter-four","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/?page_id=1233","title":{"rendered":"Volume one Chapter Four"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-page\" data-elementor-id=\"1233\" class=\"elementor elementor-1233\" data-elementor-settings=\"[]\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-section-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-ad924b9 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"ad924b9\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-50 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-4d68e1e\" data-id=\"4d68e1e\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-aed4fe6 elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"aed4fe6\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/embed\/album\/1Tw0M26be0YWNwsgF6ro8d\" width=\"300\" height=\"380\" frameborder=\"0\" allowtransparency=\"true\" allow=\"encrypted-media\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-50 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-57f93b6\" data-id=\"57f93b6\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e002ee5 elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"e002ee5\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/embed\/album\/5KKy8l2qBMfJJiAO5DjHPi\" width=\"300\" height=\"380\" frameborder=\"0\" allowtransparency=\"true\" allow=\"encrypted-media\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-e11501c elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"e11501c\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-6cf21de\" data-id=\"6cf21de\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9ee0a22 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"9ee0a22\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 52\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>VOLUME 1 CHAPTER 4<\/p><p><em>My first frig \u2022 My godfather \u2022 Meditations on copulation \u2022 Male and female aromas \u2022 Maid and gardener \u2022 My father dies \u2022 A wet dream \u2022 Bilked by a whore.<\/em><\/p><p>The frequency of my cock-stands up to this time I don\u2019t know. Voluptuous sensation I have no clear recollection of; but no doubt during that half swooning delight, which I had when big Betsy allowed me to lay my head on her lap and feel her limbs, that impulse towards the woman was accompanied by sensuous pleasure, though I don\u2019t recollect the fact, but soon my manhood was to declare itself.<\/p><p>Some time after I had felt this servant\u2019s quim, I noticed a strong smelling, whitish stuff, inside my foreskin, making the underside of the tip of the prick sore. At first I thought it disease, then pulling the foreskin up, I made It into a short of cup, dropped warm water Into it, and working it about, washed all round the nut, and let the randy smelling infusion escape. This marked my need for a woman, I did not know what the exudation was, it made me in a funk at first. One day I had been toying with the girl, had a cock-stand, and felt again my prick sore, and was washing it with warm water, when it swelled up. I rubbed it through my hand, which gave me unusual pleasure, then a voluptuous sensation came over me quickly so thrilling and all pervading that I shall never forget it. I sank on to a dunk, feeling my cock gently, the next instant spunk jetted out in few drops, a full yard In front of me, and a thinner liquid rolled over my knuckles. I had frigged myself, without intending it.<\/p><p>They came astonishment mingled with disgust, I examined the viscid, gruelly fluid with the greatest curiosity, smelt it, and I think tasted it. Then came fear of my godfather, and of being found out; for all that, after wiping up my sperm from the floor, I went up to my bedroom and, locking the door, frigged myself until I could do it no more from exhaustion.<\/p><p>I wanted a confidant and told two schoolfellows who were brothers, I could not keep it to myself, and was indeed proud though ashamed to speak of the pleasure. They both had bigger pricks than mine, and never had jeered at me because I could not retract my prepuce easily. Soon\u00a0after they came to see me, we all went into the garden, each pulled my prepuce back, I theirs, and then we all frigged ourselves in an outhouse.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 53\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>Then I wrote to Fred, who was at a large public school, about my frigging. He replied that some fellows at his school had been caught at it and flogged; that a big boy just going to Oxford had had a woman and got the pox badly. He begged me to burn his letter, or throw it down the shit-house directly I had read it, adding that he was in such a funk for he had lost mine; and that I was never to write to him such things at the school, because the master opened every day indiscriminately one or two letters of the boys. He knew my mother was away and so did not mind writing to me. When I heard that he had lost my letter, I also was in a funk; the letter never was found. Whether the master got it, or sent it to my godfather or not, I can\u2019t say, but it is certain that just after I had one night exhausted myself by masturbation, my godfather came to see me.<\/p><p>He stared hard at me. \u201cYou look ill.\u201d \u201cNo, I am not.\u201d \u201cYes, you are, look me full in the face, you\u2019ve been frigging yourself,\u201d said he just in so many words. He had never used an improper word to me before. I denied it. He raved out \u201cNo denial, sir, no lies, you have, sir; don\u2019t add lying to your, bestiality, you\u2019ve been at that filthy trick, I can see it in your face, you\u2019ll die in a mad-house, or of consumption, you shall never have a farthing more pocket-money from me, and I won\u2019t buy your commission, nor leave you any money at my death.\u201d I kept denying it, brazening it out. \u201cHold your tongue, you young beast, or I\u2019ll write to your mother.\u201d That reduced me to a sullen state, only at times jerking out: \u201cI haven\u2019t!\u201d He put on his hat angrily, and left me in a very uncomfortable state of mind.<\/p><p>I knew that my father was not so well off as he had been, my mother always impressed upon me not to offend my godfather, and now I had done it. I wrote Fred all about it, he said the old beggar was a doctor, and it was very unfortunate; he wondered if he really did see any signs in my face, or whether it was bounce; that I was not to be a fool and give in, and still say I hadn\u2019t, but had better leave off frigging.<\/p><p>From that time my godfather was always at my heels, he waited for me at the school-door, spent my half-holidays with me, sat with me and my aunt of an evening till bed-tune, made me ride and drive out with him,\u00a0stopped giving me pocket -money altogether, and no one else did; so that I was not very happy.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 54\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>The pleasure of frigging, now I had tasted it (and not before), opened my eyes more fully to the mystery of the sexes. I seemed at once to understand why woman and men gut together, and yet was full of wonder about it. Spinning seemed a nasty business, the smell of cunt an extraordinary thing in a woman, whose odour generally to me was so sweet and intoxicating. I read novels harder than ever, liked being near females and to look at them more than ever, and whether young or old, common or gentle, was always looking at them and thinking that they had cunts which had a strong odour, and wondering if they had been fucked; I used to stare at aunt and cousins, and wonder the same. It seemed to me scarcely possible, that the sweet, well dressed, smooth- spoken ladies who came to our house, could let men put the spunk up their cants. Then came the wonder if, and how, women spent, what pleasure they had in fucking, and so on; in all ways was I wondering about copulation, the oddity of the gruelly, close-smelling sperm being ejected into the hole between a woman\u2019s thighs so astonished me. I often thought the whole business must be dream of mine; then that there could be no doubt about it. Among other doubts, was whether the servant\u2019s quim, which had made my fingers smell, was diseased, or not.<\/p><p>Fear of detection perhaps kept me from frigging, but I was weak and growing fast, and have no recollection of much desire, though mad to better understand a cunt. It does not dwell in my mind now that I had a desire to fuck her, but to see it, and above all, to smell it; the recollection of its aroma mews to, have had a strange, effect on me. I did not like it much, yet yearned the again watching my opportunity one day, I managed to feel the servant; it was dusk she stood with her back up against the wall, and felt my prick whilst I felt her; it was an affair of a second or two, and again we were scared. I went to the sitting-room, and passed the evening in smelling my fingers and looking at my cousin.<\/p><p>This occurred once again, and I think now, that the servant must just have been on the point of letting me fuck her, for she had been feeling my prick and in a jeering way saying, \u201cYou are not man enough if I let you,\u201d I emboldened, blurted out that I had spent, I recollect her saying, \u201cOh! your story\u201d and then something put us to flight, I don\u2019t now know\u00a0what. I certainly was not up to my opportunities, that I see now plainly. I had a taste for chemistry, which served my purpose, as will be seen further on, and used to experimentalise in what was called a wash-house, just outside the kitchen, with my acids and alkalis; that enabled me to slip into the kitchen on the sly, but the plan of the house rendered it easy for my aunt to come suddenly into the kitchen.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 55\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>My bedroom window overlooked the kitchen yard, in which was this wash-house, a knife-house, and a servants privy, etc., etc., the whole surrounded by a wall, with a door in it, leading into the garden just outside on the garden side, was a gardener\u2019s shed; the servant in the morning used to let the gardener in at the kitchen entrance; and he passed through this kitchen yard into the garden. I was pissing in the pot in my bedroom early one morning, and peeping through the blind, when I saw the servant\u2019s head just coming out of the gardener\u2019s shed, she passed through the kitchen yard into the kitchen in great haste, looking up at the house, as if to see if anyone was at the windows. Then it occurred to me, that if I got quite early to, the kitchen, I could play my little baudy tricks without fear, for my relatives never went down till half-past eight to breakfast, whilst the servant went down at six.<\/p><p>The next morning, I went down early to the kitchen, did not see the wench, and thinking she might be in the privy in the kitchen yard, waited. The shutters were not down, after some minutes delay, in she came, *she started. \u201cHulloh! what are you up for?\u201d I don\u2019t think I spoke, but making a dash, got my hand up her clothes and on to her cunt She pushed me away, then caught hold of the hand with which I had touched her cunt, and squeezed it hard with a rubbing motion, looking at me as I recollected (but long afterwards), in a funny way. \u201cHish! Hish! here is the old woman,\u201d said she. Oh it is not\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sure I heard the wires of her bell,\u201d and Sure enough there came a ring. Up I went without shoes, like a shot to my bedroom, began to smell my fingers, found they were sticky, and the smell not the same. I recollect thinking it strange that her Bunt should be so sticky. I had heard of dirty cunts, it was a joke among us boys, and thought hers must have been so, which was the cause that the smell and feel were different.<\/p><p>Two or three days afterwards my mother came to town by herself, there was a row with the servant, I was told to leave the room; the servant and\u00a0gardener were both turned off that day and hour, a char-woman was had in, a temporary gardener got, and my mother went back to my sick father. Years passed away, and when I had greater experience and thought of all this, concluded that my aunt had found the gardener and the servant amusing themselves too freely, had had them dismissed, and that the morning I found my fingers sticky the girl had just come in from fucking in the gardener\u2019s shed.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 56\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>With all the opportunities I had, both with big Betsy and with this woman, I was still virgin. Whey I saw Fred next, he told me he had felt the aunt of one of their servants. I told him partly what I had done, but kept to myself how I had failed to poke when I had the opportunity, fearing his jeers; and as I was obliged to name some woman, mentioned me of my godfathers servants. He went there to try his chances of groping her as well, but got his head slapped. We talked much about the smell of cult, and he told me that one day after he, had felt their servant, he went into the room where his sisters were, and said, my, what a funny smell there is on my fingers, what can it be? Smell them.\u2019 Two of his sisters smelt, said they could not tell what it was, but it was not nice, Fred used to say that he thought they knew it was like the smell of cunt, because they coloured up so.<\/p><p>I had noticed a strong smell on my prick, whenever the curdy exudation had to be washed out. Fred\u2019s talk made me imitative, so I saturated my fingers with the masculine essence one evening, and, going to my female cousin, \u201cOh, what a queer smell there is on my fingers,\u201d said I, \u2018smell them.\u2019 The girl did. \u201cIt\u2019s nasty, you\u2019ve got it from your chemicals,\u201d said she. \u201cI don\u2019t think I have, smell them again, I can\u2019t think what it can be, what\u2019s it like, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s like anything I ever smelt, but it is not so nasty, if you smell it close, it\u2019s like southern wood,\u201d she replied. I wonder if that young lady when she married, ever smelt it afterwards, and recognised it. I did this more than once, it gave me great delight to think my slim cousin had smelt my prick, through smelling my fingers; what innate lubricity comes out early in the male.<\/p><p>Misfortunes of all sort came upon us, the family came back to town, another brother died, then my father, who had been long ill, died, and was found to be nearly bankrupt; then my godfather died, and left me a\u00a0fortune, all was trouble and change, but I only mention these family matters briefly.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 57\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>My physique still could not have been strong, for though more than ever intensely romantic, and passionately fond of female society, I don\u2019t recollect being much troubled with cock-standings, and think I should, had I teen so. My two intimate school-friends left off frigging, the elder brother, who had a very long red nose, having come to the conclusion with me that frigging made people mad, and worse, prevented them afterwards from fucking and having a family. Fred, my favourite cousin, arrived at the same conclusion by what mental process we all arrived at it I don\u2019t know.<\/p><p>When I was approaching my sixteenth year, I awakened one night with a voluptuous dream, and found my night-shirt saturated with semen, it was my first wet dream; that set me frigging again for a time, but I either restrained myself or did not naturally require much spending at that time, for I certainly did not often do so.<\/p><p>But our talk was always about cunt and women, I was always trying to smell their flesh, look up their petticoats, watch to see them going to piddle; and the wonder to me now is that I did not frig myself incessantly; and can only account for it on the grounds, that though my imagination was very ripe, my body was not.<\/p><p>The fact of hair under the arms of women had a secret charm for me about that time. I don\u2019t recollect thinking much about it before, though it had astonished me when I first saw it; and why it came to my imagination so much now I do not know, but it did. I have told of the woman under whose arms I first saw hair.<\/p><p>One afternoon after my father\u2019s death, and that of my godfather, Fred was with me, we went to the house of a friend, and were to return home about nine o\u2019clock. It was dark, we saw a woman standing by a wall. \u201cShe is a whore,\u201d said Fred, \u201cand will let us feel her if we pay her.\u201d \u201cYou go and ask her.\u201d \u201cNo, you.\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t like.\u201d \u201cHow much money have you got?\u201d We ascertained what we had, and after a little hesitation, walked on, passed her, then turned round and stopped. \u201cWhat are you staring at, kiddy,\u201d said the woman. I was timid and walked away; Fred stopped with her. \u201cWattie, come here,\u201d said he in a half whisper. I walked back. \u201cHow\u00a0much have you got?\u201d the woman said. We both gave her money. \u201cYou\u2019ll let us both feel?\u201d said Fred. \u201cWhy of course, have you felt a woman before?\u201d Both of us said we had, feeling bolder. \u201cWas it a woman about here?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cDid you both feel the same woman? \u2018No.\u2019 \u201cGive me another shilling then, you shall both feel my cunt well, I\u2019ve such a lot of hair on it.\u201d We gave what we had, and then she walked off without letting us. \u201cI\u2019ll tell your mothers, if you come after me,\u201d she cried out. We were sold; I was once sold again in a similar manner afterwards, when by myself.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 58\"><div class=\"layoutArea\"><div class=\"column\"><p>These are the principal baudy incidents of my early youth, which I recollect, and have not told to friends; many other amusing incidents told them are omitted here, for the authorship would be disclosed if I did. One or two were peculiar and most amusing, yet I dare not narrate them; but all show how soon sexual desires developed in me, and what pleasure early in life even these gave me and others.<\/p><p>I now had arrived at the age of puberty, when male nature asserts itself in the most timid and finds means of getting its legitimate pleasure with women. I did, and then my recollection of things became more perfect, not only as to the consummations, but of what led to them; yet nothing seems to me so remarkable as the way I recollect matters which occurred when I was almost an infant.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>VOLUME 1 CHAPTER 4 My first frig \u2022 My godfather \u2022 Meditations on copulation \u2022 Male and female aromas \u2022 Maid and gardener \u2022 My father dies \u2022 A wet dream \u2022 Bilked by a whore. The frequency of my cock-stands up to this time I don\u2019t know. Voluptuous sensation I have no clear recollection &hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"read-more\"> <a class=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/?page_id=1233\"> <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Volume one Chapter Four<\/span> Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1233","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1233"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1233"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1233\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1797,"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1233\/revisions\/1797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1233"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}