{"id":4070,"date":"2022-11-30T09:28:07","date_gmt":"2022-11-30T09:28:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/?p=4070"},"modified":"2022-12-17T08:51:56","modified_gmt":"2022-12-17T08:51:56","slug":"walter-on-my-secret-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mysecretlife.org\/?p=4070","title":{"rendered":"Lunch With Walter"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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In 1903 as the existence of My Secret Life<\/i> began to emerge on the clandestine erotica market, I met with the book’s author, Walter, in London\u2019s oldest restaurant, Rules<\/i> in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. My mission was to explore the diary keeping methods that he used in order to write My Secret Life<\/i>. It was a convivial luncheon, during which Walter took great pleasure in talking about his extraordinary life\u2019s work. (He had been dead for some years and it would be another sixty years before I was born.)<\/p>

*Walter\u2019s responses are as written by him in My Secret Life<\/i>. The italics in Walter\u2019s answers are my own additions.<\/p>

Q. How did My Secret Life<\/i> come into being?<\/span><\/p>

A. I began these memoirs when about twenty-five years old, having from youth kept a diary of some sort, which perhaps from habit made me think of recording my inner and secret life.<\/p>

Q. A distinctive element throughout your diaries, even with events from your early childhood, is your attention to detail.<\/span><\/p>

A. I had from youth an excellent memory, but about sexual matters a wonderful one\u2026women were the pleasure of my life\u2026the clothes they wore, the houses and rooms in which I had them were before me mentally as I wrote, the way the bed and furniture were placed, the side of the room the windows were on, I remembered perfectly. I recollect largely what was said and did\u2026where I fail to have done so I have left description blank, rather than attempt to make a story coherent by inserting what was merely probable\u2026this is intended to be a true history and not a lie.<\/p>

Q. Which brings me to my next question. To what extent did you really stick to the script of your life?\u00a0 Or are there moments in your diaries when you \u2019embellished\u2019 what actually happened or conversely felt the need to censor what you did?<\/span><\/p>

A. I\u00a0determined to write my private life freely as to fact, and in the spirit of the lustful acts done by me or witnessed, it is written therefore with absolute truth and without any regard whatever for what the world calls decency. This is a history of my private life which deals with facts alone, and not with conjectures.<\/p>

Q. But there are certain facts that you say you obscured. For example you didn\u2019t always name people or places correctly?<\/span><\/p>

A. That\u2019s true, I have mystified my family affairs, but if I say I had ten cousins when I had but six, or that one aunt\u2019s house was in Surrey instead of Kent\u2026it breaks the clue (to my identity) and cannot matter to the reader.<\/p>

The wine waiter arrives and Walter suggests a bottle of Pol Roger champagne.<\/i><\/p>

Q. The diaries are very extensive, was there ever a time when your enthusiasm for keeping them began to wain?<\/span><\/p>

A. I began it for my amusement, when many years had had been chronicled I tired of it and ceased. Ten years afterwards I met a woman with whom I did well nigh everything a man and woman could do with their genitals\u2026and began to narrate those events, when quite fresh in my memory, a great variety of incidents extending over four years or more.<\/p>

Q. So what about the gap period in your diary keeping you have mentioned and your earlier youth and childhood?<\/span><\/p>

A. After those four years (spent largely with a woman called Sarah Frasier<\/i>), I set to work to describe the events of the intervening years of my youth and early middle age. Then an illness caused me to think seriously of burning the whole.<\/p>

Q. What stopped you doing that?<\/span><\/p>

A. Not liking to destroy my labour, I laid it aside again for a couple of years. Then another illness gave me long uninterrupted leisure; I read my manuscript and filled in some occurrences which I had forgotten but which my diary enabled me to place in their proper order.<\/p>

Q. Having amassed what must have been a fairly vast amount of manuscript by this stage, did it ever occur to you to publish it?<\/span><\/p>

At this point the rumble and clatter of a heavy carriage passing outside interrupts the flow of our conversation. We resume to an accompaniment of an excellent tureen of turtle.<\/i><\/p>

Q. You were filling in some of the occurrences that you had forgotten by using your diaries as an aide memoire.<\/span><\/p>

A. It was then, for the first time, I thought I would print my work that had been commenced more than twenty years before, but hesitated, I had then entered my maturity, and on to the most lascivious portion of my life, the events were disjointed and fragmentary and my amusement was to describe them just after they occurred.<\/p>

Q. At what point exactly after an \u2018erotic encounter\u2019 did you usually make your diary entries?<\/span><\/p>

A. Most frequently the next day I wrote all down with much prolixity; since, I have much abbreviated it. In the intervals of my enjoyment of female society, I amused myself by making notes, or writing the narratives fully.<\/p>

Q.\u00a0 To what extent do your memoirs contain your original diary entries, ones that were left exactly as you wrote them at the time?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

A. Very seldom can I say<\/i>, \u201cThis following paragraph I leave exactly as I then wrote it.\u201d I found by rough perusal of manuscript not yet touched,\u00a0 a freshness which is not in some of that revised. But mostly I wrote many years after from very copious memoranda so that at the end of two years I would have a very large mass of manuscript, which I would abbreviate soon after. The description of a girl, which might have run to seven pages of foolscap when I first wrote it, I would try to abbreviate as much as possible, in fact my pen would run through the greater part of it.<\/p>

Q. I know that you have led a double life, one that many of your acquaintances, perhaps even friends, will know nothing of\u2026particularly if they are women?\u00a0 But, is there also an element of you having lived your life twice, once in the doing and once in the retelling of?<\/span><\/p>

A.\u00a0 It was written for my secret pleasure, and I revelled in the detail as I wrote it, for in doing so I almost had my sexual treats over again. It mattered not to me whether similar pleasure had been mine before or not, whether the erotic whims and fancies, amorous frolics, voluptuous eccentricities, were identical or not. I described them as they had occurred at the time, and the pleasure of doing so was nearly the same, even had I done them twenty times, and described them twenty times.<\/p>

A magnificent of haunch of venison is now served, along with a bottle of 1900 Chateau Margaux.<\/i><\/p>

Q. Reading My Secret Life<\/i> it\u2019s impossible to tell how your original diary notes might have looked, could you recall an example for me?<\/span><\/p>

A. Certainly, this is what I wrote at the time with a girl called Amelia. It is better left as it is, than put into narrative form like the rest.<\/p>

\u201cLicked Amelia\u2019s cunt last night, did I want to do it or did she want me to do to her? I have done it to her several times, now don\u2019t like doing it, yet I do it. She seems to like it so. \u2014 Her frame as far as I can judge, lying under her cunt as I do, and seeing nothing, and only able to clasp her bum or her thighs, seems to thrill with a higher enjoyment than when she is fucked, and I like giving her pleasure for she deserves it, and she is so beautiful. But I want to wash my mouth and moustache directly after; whilst she says after a moment\u2019s repose only, \u201cGo on, dear.\u201d But I don\u2019t like the taste, and eject my saliva\u00a0both whilst doing it, and after it, till it runs down over my chin and I long to wash my mouth. Yet last night I gamahuched her long without ejecting. But I do it as it seems to me through her talking about it. It is she who always begins talking about it first. I wonder whether Mrs. A*t*n did it to her. I half suspect it. I\u2019ll ask again. But why shouldn\u2019t she if they both like that fun?\u201d<\/p>

Q. This is a fascinating passage. The idea that you might not actually enjoy certain aspects of having sex is a surprising revelation and presents you in a slightly different light. I\u2019m intrigued, are there any other examples of your original diary entries that spring to mind?<\/span><\/p>

A. Here from my manuscript are two extracts illustrative of my notes as written almost day by day at that period, many and many a page there was of them. All were amusing, and writing them pleased me immensely at the time. Indeed I think that I had more pleasure in writing my narrative at this period than at any other, though I had far less to write about. Of these temporary infidelities I destroy the remaining notes now, excepting one or two curious ones told further on.<\/p>

\u201cHad a woman named Susan * * * * * seemed twenty-five, a fat arsed, though she didn\u2019t look so in her dress. \u2014 Discontented with what I\u2019d agreed to give her, said I give no more, \u2014 where on she said. \u2014 \u201cAll right\u201d and seemed quite satisfied. \u2014 Dark hair and eyes, plenty on her cunt, fucked well and, I think, spent; told her so. \u201cYes I nearly always spend with my first man if he\u2019s nice, perhaps I mayn\u2019t get another tonight.\u201d \u2014 She hated frigging herself. \u2014 No woman should touch her own cunt, she thought. \u2014 A funny one.<\/p>

21st\u00a0 January. \u2014 A funny little bitch about four feet six high, thin. \u2014 A modest looking juvenile cunt. \u2014 One of the smallest I ever put into \u2014 quite tight as I pushed my penis up it \u2014 hurt me as I pulled prick out quite stiff \u2014 I\u2019d spent, tho I feared \u2014 washed. \u2014 \u201cYou\u2019re in a hurry,\u201d said she light haired, squinny face.<\/p>

23rd March \u2014 A hairy arsed, low, she. \u2014 Wonder I poked her, glad to get away \u2014 ten and six \u2014 dirty rooms.<\/p>

A German \u2014 long nosed \u2014 big \u2014 spoke good English, said another woman was in house \u2014 would I see her \u2014 offered five shillings. \u2014 German laughed scornfully so I dropped the subject. \u2014 Soon after said she\u2019d go and see \u2014 and it ended in having a plump little whore, whose cunt I looked at, whilst I fucked the German, and for five shillings.<\/p>

Q. That\u2019s a wonderful glimpse of the origins of My Secret Life<\/i>. You wrote so much about your experiences, did anyone ever notice what you were up to? (Walter seems amused.)<\/span><\/p>

A. That reminds me of an incident with a young girl I held up with for a few days<\/i>\u2026\u2019I got her a novel to read, a love story \u2014 and she devoured it. I got writing paper, and amused myself by writing down the incidents of this piece of my luck. I noted down what she said \u2014 not at the moment, but directly\u00a0after, when she was reading. But my writing made her suspicious. Was I writing to her father, was her first anxiety. I told her I was only writing about my affairs. But after a while \u2014 \u201cYou\u2019re writing some-thing about me I\u2019m sure, now do tell me.\u201d \u2014 \u201cWhat makes you think that?\u201d \u2014 \u201cBecause you keep looking at me so.\u201d I suppose I did, but was not conscious of doing so. However I set her mind at rest by some bouncing lies.\u2019<\/p>

\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>

A trolley of desserts is wheeled ceremoniously up to the table, the plum pudding looks particularly tempting, but we are both replete and decline in favour of Chateau de Laubade Armagnac & cigars.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>

Q. Quite apart from the extent of your sexual experiences, and the Herculean task of writing about them, I\u2019m amazed that you have actually managed to collate all your hand written notes. There must have been literally tens of thousands of pages to store somewhere & to sift through? That\u2019s an extraordinary feat of organisation in it own right.\u00a0Surely editing what you had written must have been an even harder task for you than writing it? Were you often torn between abbreviating or destroying passages?<\/span><\/p>

\u00a0A. This was very much my dilemma<\/i>: much as I have abbreviated and omitted, what a quantity of manuscript still remains. Alas! a casual look through it, reveals the fact that, like much of that written just before this period of my history, it is prolix and copious in detail. More so even than that preceding it which I shortened with so much trouble. Yet on glancing through the remaining manuscript, now in my maturity, the repetition seems a little wearisome. What is to be done, abbreviate or destroy, which?Abbreviation is laborious, and emasculates ,the freshness of the writing is gone, nice shades lost. But destruction saves all future trouble.<\/p>

The wine waiter replenishes our brandy glasses and Walter & I both agree on the excellence of the cigars.<\/i><\/p>

Q. So how did you end up deciding what would and what would not remain?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

A.\u00a0The manuscript has grown into unmanageable bulk; shall it, can it, be printed?, was a question I would often ask myself<\/i>.\u00a0\u00a0Perhaps the entire omission of portions will be best, but that will destroy the continuity. In the narrative in its integrity, it is easy to see how in my youth, content with the simplest forms of sexual pleasure, I have gradually with advancing years and experience, been led to strangely erotic whims and devices, and have had the greatest pleasure in acts, and deeds, and thoughts, which in my ignorant youth would have revolted me. To omit much is to destroy this continuity of idea and action. No. It must be abbreviation or total destruction. Abbreviation, or else a full stop here, and nearly twenty years\u2019 narrative go to the flames.\u00a0<\/p>

Another thing, through the suggestions of women, by pondering over those suggestions, by reading works of erotic philosophers, from pictures, curiosity, and opportunity, I have once or twice done what I regret, what in fact is almost a remorse to me, though I really see no harm in it. What a contradiction this, but thus it is. Shall I destroy those chapters, erase those parts, or leave them? Perhaps (for who knows) for some to cry shame. To omit them is to sacrifice the narrative, and the illustration it affords to myself of my sexual idiosyncrasy, if such a phrase may be used. I know not what to do with this antagonism of thought and intention.<\/p>

It must remain, written by myself and for myself, none probably will ever see it but myself, therefore why cheat myself? Let it remain.<\/p>

Q. On reading through your finished manuscript, did you have any reflections that you felt you should incorporate into the book?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

A. You will notice that<\/i> all paragraphs enclosed with brackets thus [ ] have been written since the manuscript of my life was finished, and have been added at this revision, when the narrative is put into form, revised, and much of the manuscript destroyed. The narrative is usually told consecutively but there are times when I find it difficult to arrange the narrative in my usual manner, so much were all the amours intermixed and also mixed in the manuscript. Some are without date, but I should have no difficulty in assigning their places closely, if it were worth the trouble to do so.<\/p>

The restaurant has now filled with a lively gaggle of cast from the nearby Adelphi theatre. A young actress seems to recognise Walter and waves sweetly. The atmosphere is most convivial.<\/i><\/p>

Q. Were you ever haunted by the thought that you might not live to finish your life\u2019s work? That you would run out of time before putting it all together and having it printed?<\/span><\/p>

A. More than once I said to myself, I wish I had begun this revision earlier, perhaps now I shall never complete it \u2014 or complete it only in time to destroy it, before I myself am destroyed. Tempus edax rerum.<\/p>

Q. Did you have a sense that you had done something extraordinary in your life, and in the recording of your life, that should be preserved? By printing\u00a0 the diaries were you creating a lasting monument to yourself?<\/span><\/p>

A. Well, I thought it would be sinful to destroy such a history, even if no mortal eye but mine should see it. Its contents are astonishing, marvellous even . Most importantly I believe it is a contribution to psychology. Have all men had the strange letches which late in life have enraptured me, though in early days the idea of them revolted me? I can never know this; my experience, if printed, may enable others to compare as I cannot.<\/p>

Q. That\u2019s an interesting perspective. Was that a critical sentiment in your decision to publish?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

A. I suspect that what I have done, or perhaps the extent of it, must be unique. Has anybody but myself faithfully made such a record? It would be a sin to burn all this, whatever society may say, it is but a narrative of human life, perhaps the everyday of thousands, if the confession could be had. But on the other hand, what will be said or thought of me, what become of the manuscript if found when I am dead? Better to destroy the whole, it has fulfilled its purpose in amusing me, now let it go to the flames!\u2019 But I couldn\u2019t bring myself to do that and eventually I realised that, spite of all this vacillation, there would be only one possible outcome.\u00a0Shall it be burnt or printed? How many years have passed in this indecision? why fear? it is for other\u2019s good and not my own if preserved.<\/p>

Q. That\u2019s a wonderful insight into how the greatest erotic autobiography that there is ever likely to be, came into existence. I don\u2019t know if you were aware that more than the six copies stipulated by you were run off by the printer?<\/span><\/p>

A. I instructed for six copies to be run off and then for the print to be broken up.\u00a0 Of course<\/i> I <\/i><\/span>knew exactly where the six copies were going to and that they would all be in safe hands. I suppose the printer wanted to make a market out of me! But by printing more copies than I stipulated, the risk of them falling into the wrong hands increases. I wouldn\u2019t want my memoirs to harm or cause pain to anyone still living as a result.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>

There is so much more that I would like to ask Walter, but sadly our time is up. We finish our cigars outside and parting, with a promise of meeting again, I watch Walter as he heads off in the direction of the Lyceum,\u00a0 <\/span>gradually fading into the distant yellow light of a winter\u2019s afternoon.<\/i><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 1903 as the existence of My Secret Life began to emerge on the clandestine erotica market, I met with the book’s author, Walter, in London\u2019s oldest restaurant, Rules in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. My mission was to explore the diary keeping methods that he used in order to write My Secret Life. It was …<\/p>\n

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