When are women most lewd. • Garters, money, and promises. • About my servant. • The neckerchief. • Armpits felt • Warm hints. • Lewd suggestions. • Baudy language. • Tickling. • “Fanny Hill”. • Garters tried. • Red fingers. • Struggle, and escape. • Locked out. • I leave. • Baudy predictions, and verifications.

I have a confused recollection of thinking myself the next day an ass, for having missed a good opportunity of spermatising a fresh cunt; yet for some reason or another it must have been three days before I went to try my luck again.

I had about this time of my life began to frame intentions, and calculate my actions towards women; although still mostly ruled by impulse and opportunity in love matters. My philosophy was owing to experience, and also in a degree to my friend the Major, to whom some years before I had confided my having commissioned a French woman to get me a virgin. He was older, poorer, and more dissolute than ever, “He is the baudiest old rascal that ever I heard tell a story”, was the remark of a man at our Club one night. Ask him to dinner in a quiet way by himself, give him unlimited wine, and he would in an hour or two begin his confidential advice in the amatory line, and in a wonderful manner tell of his own adventures, and give reasons why he did this or that, why he succeeded with this woman, or missed that girl, in a way as amusing, and instructive to a young listener, as could be imagined.

“If you want to get over a girl”, he would say, “never flurry her till her belly’s full of meat and wine; let the grub work. As long as she is worth fucking, it’s sure to make a woman randy at some time. If she is not twenty-five she’ll be randy directly her belly is filled, — then go at her. If she’s thirty, give her half an hour. If she’s thirty-five let her digest an hour, she won’t feel the warmth of the dinner in her cunt till then. Then she’ll want to piss, and directly after that she’ll be ready for you without her knowing it. But don’t flurry your young un, — talk a little quiet smut whilst feeding, just to make her laugh and think of baudy things; then when she has left table, get at her. But it’s well,” the old Major would say, “to leave a woman alone in a room for a few minutes after she has dined, perhaps then she will let slip a fart or two, perhaps she’ll piss, — she’ll be all the better for the wind and water being out. A woman’s cunt doesn’t get piss-proud like a man’s prick you know, they’re differently made from us my boy, — but show any one of them your prick as soon as you can, it’s a great persuader. Once they have seen it they can’t forget it, it will keep in their minds. And a baudy book, they won’t ever look at till you’ve fucked them !—oh ! won’t they ! —they would at church if you left them alone with it.” And so the Major instructed us.

About three days afterwards, taking a pair of garters, two small showy neckerchiefs, and Fanny Hill with me, I knocked at the door. “Oh! you!” said she colouring up. “Yes, — is everything right?” “Yes! all right, what should be the matter sir?” She stood at the street-door holding it open, though I had entered the hall. I turned, closed the door, and caught hold of her.

“Now none of that pray sir, you insulted me enough last time.” “I could not help it, you’re so lovely, it’s your fault, — forgive me, and I won’t do so any more, —here is a sovereign, take it, kiss me, and make it up.” “I don’t want your money”, said she sulkily. “Take it, I give it with real pleasure, — what I had the other day was worth double.”

“I won’t be paid for your rudeness, if that’s what you mean.” “Lord my dear I’ve no occasion to pay for that, I took it without pay, — I wish I could get what I told you yesterday, — I’d give ten times the sum.” “You are going on again.” “Don’t be foolish, —take it, buy a pair of silk stockings.” “Your plump legs would look so nice in them”, — and I forced her to put the money into her pocket.

Then I got her to the parlour, to sit down, to allow me to kiss her, and then to talk about me and my “Missus”, as she called her, a subject which seemed to excite her, for she began asking me question after question, and listened to all I said with breathless attention about my daily habits, rows, and fast doings. Once I stopped at some question. “I won’t tell you that.” “Oh! do, — do.” “No it’s curious.” “Do, — do.” It was about a pretty servant-girl whom I had noticed in my house. “It will offend you if I do.” “No it won’t.” “Well give me a kiss then.”

She kissed me. She had stood up a moment, now she sat down again by me on the sofa. I went on with my story, every now and then I stopped till she kissed me, it came to a kiss every minute, as I sat with my arm round her waist, talking.

Said I, “It was a servant whom my wife turned out at a day’s notice, — a pretty girl, — I had taken to kissing her, and then I nudged her somewhere you know. One night when she opened the door, I saw by the light that my wife was in our bed-room. ‘Is your Mistress upstairs?’ ‘Yes sir.”And the cook?’ ‘Yes.’ Then I closed with her. ‘Don’t sir, Missus will hear.’ I hugged her closer, shoved her up against the wall, got my hand on to her cunt, felt her, and gave her half a sovereign. How delicious it was to get the fingers on to the wet nick of that pretty girl, and say, ‘How I should like to fuck that Mary.’ ” I told it in words like that to Jenny, and she sat listening. At the word “fuck” up she got.

“You are a going on rude again.” “You asked me.” “Not for that.” “But that’s what I had to tell, what you kissed me to tell.” “I didn’t think you would say rude things.” “Sit down, and I’ll tell you without rude words.” And so I did, telling all over again with additions, but instead of saying “cunt”, “fuck”, and so on, said, “I got my hand you know where”, — “and then she let me you know what”, — “she was frightened to let me do, you guess what I wanted.”

“Luckily though she foolishly told her fellow-servant, she did not say who had been feeling her. That sneak told my wife, who told me about it, or all she knew, and said she could not keep such an improper girl in the house as that. ‘But the other servant may have told a lie to spite her.’ ‘Perhaps, but I’ll turn her out too’, — and so she did, both left.”

Thus I talked to jenny till I expect her quim was hot enough; then said I, “Here is a pretty neckerchief, —put it on.” “Oh! how pretty.” “I won’t give it you unless you put it on.” She went to the glass and unbuttoned the top of her dress, which was made to button on the front. I saw her white fat bosom, she threw the kerchief round the neck, and tried to push it down the back. “Let me put it down, — it’s difficult.” She let me. “You are not unbuttoned enough, it’s too tight.” She undid another button, I pushed down the kerchief, and releasing my hand as I stood at the back of her, put it over her shoulder, and down in front, pushing it well under her left breast. “Ohl what a lovely breast you have, — let me kiss it.”

A shriek, a scuffle; In the scuffle I burst off a button or two, which exposed her breast, and getting my hand on to one of the globes began feeling and kissing it. Then I slid my hand further down, and under her armpit. “Oh ! what a shame, — don’t, — I don’t like it.” How lovely, — kiss, kiss, — oh ! Jenny what a lot of hair I can feel under here.” “Oh !— screech, — screech, — oh ! don’t tickle me, — oh !—oh l”, — and she crouched as women do who can’t bear tickling. I saw my advantage. “Are you ticklish?” “Yes, — oh !—(screech, — screech), — oh ! leave off.”

Instead of leaving off I tickled harder than ever. She got my hand out, but I closed on her, tickling her under her arm, pinching her sides, and got her into such a state of excitement, that directly I touched her she screeched with wild laughter; the very idea of being touched made her shiver. We were on the sofa, she yelling struggling whilst I pinched her, she trying to get away from me, but fruitlessly; I buried my face in her breasts which were now largely exposed, and she fell back I with my face on her, and holding her tight. Then I put one hand down, feeling outside for her notch; that stopped her screeching, and she pushed me off as she got up.

I soothed her, begged pardon, spoke of the hair in her armpits, wondered if it was the same colour that it was lower down. Now she shammed anger, boxed my ears, and we make it up. I produced the garters. “Oh! what a lovely pair.” “They’re yours if you let me put them on.” “I won’t.” “Let me put on half-way up.” “No.” “Just above the ankle.” “No, my stockings are dirty.” “Never mind.” “No.” Then she made an excuse, said she must see to something, and left the room. I thought she was going to piddle.

She came back. I found afterwards she had been out to lace up her boots, they were untidy. It was coquettishness, female instinct, for she wanted the garters, and meant to let me try them on, though refusing. “Where do you garter, about knee?” “I shan’t tell you.” “I’ve seen, — let me put them on below the knees.” “No.” “Then I’ll give them to another woman who will let me.” “I don’t care.” I threw the garters on to the table after some fruitless attempts. I was getting awfully lewd with our conversation.

“Do you like reading?” “Yes.” “Pictures?” “Yes.” “I’ve a curious book here.” “What is it?” I took the book out. “The Adventures of Fanny Hill.” “Who was she?” “A gay lady, — it tells how she was seduced, how she had lots of lovers, was caught in bed with men, — would you like to read it?” “I should.” “We will read it together, — but look at the pictures”, — this the fourth or fifth time in my life I have tried this manoeuvre with women. I opened the book at a picture of a plump, leering, lecherous- looking woman squatting, and pissing on the floor, and holding a dark- red, black-haired, thick-lipped cunt open with her fingers. All sorts of little baudy sketches were round the margin of the picture. The early editions of Fanny Hill had that frontispiece.

She was flabbergasted, silent. Then she burst out laughing, stopped and said, “What a nasty book, — such books ought to be burnt.” “I like them, they’re so funny.” I turned over a page. “Look, here is she with a boy who sold her watercresses, is not his prick a big one?” She looked on silently, I heard her breathing hard. I turned over picture after picture. Suddenly she knocked the book out of my hand to the other side of the room. “I won’t see such things”, said she. “Won’t you look at it by yourself?” “If you leave it here I’ll burn it.” “No you won’t, you’ll take it to bed with you.” There I left the book lying, it was open and the frontispiece showing. “Look at her legs”, said I, for we could see the picture as we sat on the sofa; and I began to kiss and tickle her again.

She shrieked, laughed, got away, and rushed to the door. I brought her back, desisted from tickling and lewd talking, though I was getting randier than ever. “Now have the garters, — let me put one round the leg, just to see how it looks, — just half-way up the calf.” After much persuasion, after pulling up my trousers, and showing how a garter looked round my calf, she partly consented. “Promise me you won’t tickle me.” I promised everything.

I dropped on one knee, she sat on the sofa. “Put one foot on my leg.” She put one foot there, and care-fully raised her clothes an inch or two above the boot top. “A little higher.” She raised it holding her petticoats tight round the leg, and I slipped the garter round it. “It’s too loose, raise a little more.” “I won’t any higher, — I can see how it looks.” “Won’t they look nice when they are above the knee? and won’t your young man be pleased when he sees them there.” “My young man won’t see them any more than you will.” Let me slip on the other.” The same process, the same care on her part. She bestowed all her care on the limb I was gartering, lest I should slip the garter higher up. The remainder of her clothes were loose round her other leg. Then I pushed my hand up her clothes and herself back on the sofa, relinquishing the leg I was gartering.

Rapidly my hand felt thighs, hair, cunt, How wet! What is this which catches my fingers? what is it they are gliding between? With a yell she pushed me away, and got up as I withdrew my fingers. She had a napkin on, my fingers were stained red. “Oh, you beast”, said she bursting into tears. I caught hold of her, and began to tickle her; she pushed me violently away, and escaping, rushed downstairs, slammed the kitchen- door in my face, and locked herself in. I have been accustomed to this behaviour on similar occasions.

I stood outside begging pardon, talking baudiness, I tried to burst open the door, and could not. I was not fond of poorliness in women, had a keen nose, and oftentimes could smell a woman if poorly, even with her clothes down; how it was I did not smell her, considering how near my nose had been to her split and her breasts, I can’t say, but suppose randiness over-came my other senses. I played with my prick which was in an inflammatory state, feeling it made me much randier, I called through the door how I wanted to fuck her, how my prick was bursting, how I would frig myself if she did not let me. “What a hard hearted girl,- I’ll give you ten pounds to let me, — who will know it, but you and me?” and a lot more; but it was of no use, and at length I went upstairs, determining to wait, and thinking that in time she might follow me.

On the sofa I sat thinking of what I had done. There lay one garter, I took it up, and rolled it round my pego. I rubbed the tip with it, thinking it might be a spell. I took up Fanny Hill, got more excited by reading the book, looking at its salacious pictures, and feeling my prick at the same time. Then the sense of pleasure got beyond control, and laying down the book on the floor just beneath me, where I could see a baudy picture, I turned on my side on the sofa, and frigged till a shower of spunk shot out.

Then down I went. The door was still locked, my senses were calmed, but I talked baudy, and offered her money without a reply; growing tired, I bawled out, “I’m going, — you will let me in a day or two, and get the ten pounds towards the new shop, — you won’t be so unkind when I come again.” “I’ll take good care never to let you in”, said she. They were the only words I could get out of her. I went upstairs, took a slip of paper, and wrote on it, “I have wrapped the garter round my prick, it is a charm. Directly you put it on I shall know, for my prick will stiffen, — you will put it on I am sure; and directly my prick stiffens, your cunt will long to have it up it, even if I am miles away. You will put the garter on, for you can’t help doing so, — I’m sure to fuck you, neither you nor I could avoid it if we would. Why should we deny ourselves the pleasure, — no one will know it, and you will be ten pounds the richer.” I wrote that or some- thing nearly like it, and charmed with my own wit, rubbed the garter over the top of my prick till I left the smell on it, then laid it on the table over the paper I had written, and went away, taking Fanny Hill with me.

It is a positive fact, that about two hours after-wards I had a violent randy throbbing in my prick, and found out later on that just at that very time she had put that garter on.

(And now for the complete understanding of what follows, it must be stated that the house was in plan nearly like that which I inhabited when I had my beautiful servant Mary. Kitchens in the basement, two parlours with folding doors between them, nearly always open; and rooms back and front over the parlours; and that my absent friend did with those rooms whilst absent at the seaside, what was not unusual with people of- their class in those days, lock most of them up, leaving only sufficient for the servant, or caretaker, to inhabit.)